Moving Forward...

                                                                      Baby Josh                                       

                                                                   Big boy Josh

Baby Coco

                                                                    Still baby Coco

                                                                       The Six

I'm waiting for the paralegal to call, holding Coco, helping Josh with his football helmet, pretending early intervention won't care about the 3 loads of laundry in the entry way or the 4 new carseats, or the prizes for trunk or treat, or the school papers from 4 kids, or that I haven't showered or dressed.

As it turned out one more court date spawned more court dates like maggots in a dead cat.  The time was dragging out and our lives were measured in the time between court dates.  The babies days were filled with friends and family, breakfast-lunch-dinner, prayers, singing, watching big brother and sister in sporting events, reading, puzzles, naps and kisses.......so many kisses.  But for the rest of us that knew, there was always an ominous shadow lurking in our corners and creeping out when our minds had time to rest.

Instead of this experience being about having a charitable heart and growing in a Christ like way.....my heart was getting blacker, even blacker than it started out.  I felt like I was rotting from the inside.  My thoughts were consumed with bringing another human being so low that I broke them, if it meant I could protect my little babies.  The longer the time dragged out, with every court date missed like it was nothing more than a delinquent library book, with my time wasted and the babies growing older.........my heart was set on destruction.  Riley ended up in the hospital for 6 days with a GI bleed, and by the time we were sent home with no answers about her health, my spirit broke.  I didn't like myself.  Normally I can tolerate a good bit of myself, the snarky attitude, the unfriendly aire, the inappropriate humor, the charming smile, the devil may care outlook.

It was time to do something good and do contrary to my nature.  I made a photo album for the mama of the boys.  So if I'm being truthful I guess that wasn't %100 pure love of Christ there because I planned to use it to my advantage.......just a little.  I know she really loves the boys and I knew she would love a photo ablum........and I knew that would make her come to court.  I prayed that there would be a way that she and I could talk.  I had a strong feeling that if I protected her, if I loved her, if my help was aimed at her.....

(Also, I want to say that to my knowledge she has always been very respectful and kind.  She has always been very sweet. She is a beautiful girl.  She really is.)

 She texted one evening to ask about the boys. She asked me what the next court date was for and we began a lengthy conversation in which both our hearts changed.  I wanted for her and she wanted for the boys.  We talked about what her options were.  We talked about all of the confusing and painful truths that had to be covered.

Court arrived, their mama arrived, she agreed to relinquishment.  She asked if I would go with her to see the judge.  We went.  It was terrifying.  My heart broke for her.  I don't know how she did it.  I don't think I could.  She was brave, and strong, and little, and alone, and crying.  We sat in the hall away from the crowd of other parents with open DCFS cases, the caseworkers, the lawyers.  What can you do to comfort someome in so much pain? She curled up into a ball on a bench.  I was afraid to speak.  I pulled her into my lap like she was Joshy when he falls.  I rocked her and kissed her and smoothed her hair.  Is that weird?  We talked about funny baby things our boys do.  I told her she was a good mom. I wasn't lying to her.

That mama will have an abundance of blessings.  I hope she feels some in this life.  I know she will throughout eternity.  Her selfless act was her crowning act of motherhood. If you have a moment, keep her in your prayers.  Pray for her comfort and peace.  Pray for her happiness and success. 

Two little babies played football and ate graham crackers and took naps.  They played with friends and Max.  They didn't know that a switch was thrown on their life path and nothing will ever be the same again.  They didn't know their two mamas sat crying in a ball of snot and tears.

Adoption, blessings and the sealing are happy things to look forward to.  Eternity just opened up......

Triage

I have been far too busy to spend time writing, reading, crafting, cleaning, or even showering.  So I must triage my documenting.  My most serious case at the moment is Coco and Zossy.

Coco, Puff, Coco Puff, Fat Basket  

Zossy and Jack

After years of talking about adoption or becoming a foster family, the kids finally bullied us into taking action.  That's right.  I'm blaming the kids.  We decided we probably couldn't afford adoption and we didn't really look into it seriously.  For a few years we have had, 'consider fostering' on our family list of things to do for the year.  My baren body couldn't take the begging for a baby any more and Max was finally old enough so we decided quite blindly to jump in. 

Officer Handsome and I tried to get into a foster care class and become in the early fall of 2011.  Because of his 37 jobs and some things going on with the kiddos, we missed out and couldn't do the 40 hours required.  Not long after, a family in our ward showed up with two of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen.  I'm totally crying about it right now!  As soon as I laid eyes on Zoss (Josh) I was overwhelmed with the feeling that he should be mine.  At first I  really thought that it was jealousy and I kicked myself for not getting licensed.

Near Christmas we again had the opportunity to get into the classes we needed.  Even though our schedules were horrific, Jason said it was time to just get it done.  We finished the classes in 2 weeks and had our home inspected for that part of licensing.  Then our license never came.  It became months and I started to forget.  Then on a whim I called our licenser and asked what had ever happened.  He assured me he would send a new paper in the mail.  The next Sunday, I watched Josh during nursery singing time.  I wanted to snatch him up and kiss him but he was pretty shy and he would just stare at me with huge gorgeous eyes.  I sat down and acted like a total lunatic sining really loud and dancing around.  I'm sure he was totally charmed......most people would be.  Then I moved away and asked one of my counselors that knew the foster family better than I did, what was going on with the boys.  I had the feeling again that they should be in my house, but I had heard the foster mom say that she planned on adopting.  My counselor said she felt like maybe it wasn't going to be a permanent situation but didn't really have a reason to believe that.

During the following week, our license came in the mail.  The boys and I were out grocery shopping, along with my one and a half year old nephew that I was watching full time.  When we came out of the store, I saw that I had a voicemail on my cell phone.  I loaded the groceries and then sat in the car to listen.  A supervisor from DCFS called to welcome us to fostercare and ask if we had questions.  She changed her tune right away and then said she had a placement!  Two boys under the age of two, a toddler and an infant.  She asked me to call her back.  I was freaking out in my mind, knowing that I already knew who the boys were.........and a little surprised to realize that at some point we had agreed to license our home for 2 kids.   I returned the call and like a nut talked right over the top of the caseworker and asked her if the boys were already placed.  She said they were, and asked if I knew them.   I said that I had SEEN them, but didn't really know much beyond that.  And truthfully I had never actually seen the baby.  She then said that she felt like there was a 70% chance that they would reunify with their mom.

Officer Handsome and I talked about it and prayed about it and then I cleared out my most beloved library and got it ready for babies.  Joshua and Colter transitioned to us the week before Easter and spent their first full night on Easter Eve.  Truthfully it was a nightmare at first.  Josh really only liked the kids.  His night terrors were agony on our sleep.  Coco seemed sweet and easy for the first few days but quickly turned into a raging angry baby that cried..........no, no........SCREAMED nonstop, day and night.  I have to give a lot of credit to our kids.  Without Jack home during the day and Riley here in the evenings, I would have been sunk.  The babies bonded to them right away.  Joshy fell in love pretty quickly with his dad and they have been tight ever since.  It didn't take long for Josh to call us Momma and Daddy, but he didn't really know we had other names. 

By the time the first court date rolled around, one month after they were placed with us, things had turned sour for their mom.  The state asked for the boys not to reunify with her.  We had to decide if we could keep them.  Technically, it was something we had already sort of agreed to since we were fostering infants, but you can never rehash emotional issues enough. (Side note:  Their previous family totally adored them and did NOTHING to have them removed, but after they prayed and I'm sure fasted, they had various experiences of revelation, that the boys were not supposed to be adopted by them.  They fought this feeling for months and asked Heavenly Father more than once because they did not want it to be true.  We will ALWAYS be so grateful that they were able to care for our babies until we were ready!  Once the state found out that the family would not be adopting, they whisked the boys away.)   We knew we were falling in love, but it had only been one month.  Right before our court date, their mom talked about how she was sure they were coming home.  I had a panic attack right there in the parking lot of DCFS.  That's when I knew that I was totally emotionally invested past the point where I could spare myself tremendous pain.  If it was meant for them to go home I knew Heavenly Father would keep them safe and I would know that was the plan for their lives.  I wanted to be able to let them go gracefully, but I knew it would hurt.   The judge decided to do a full hearing and have the mom's lawyer put forth evidence supporting her.  We wouldn't go to trial for 6 more weeks.  Long........slow........agony.

After six weeks, lots of prayers on behalf of our family and our baby boys, the judge ruled that they boys would remain in custody of the state and he terminated the reunification plan.  We now have to go back in a month and a half to set another date to terminate parental rights.  We are feeling pretty good that the boys have found their forever family.  



A Little Vomit Nerver Hurt Anybody

The State Capitol......not exactly Kangaroo Zoo, but since I only care about getting these kids some learnin', we........with some delay, decided to check out our state government.

I'm sure most people are 'normal' and the thought of hurtling through construction at 85 miles an hour, for 2 hours, with 6 kids....some of whom are prone to vomit, others to have anxiety, and others that coax you to pass all of the semi's, well it may not bother you.  I'm not that person.  I stopped my fitful sleep at 4:00 am that morning and gave in to the gut wrenching dread.  I don't mind the trip really, I just don't like being the one in charge.  I like being the one that tells the one in charge what to do, but bears no responsibility.



I like being with the kids and taking them to new places, even though I was skeptical that they would enjoy this field trip.  After a few puke stops, a stop to use the phone, and getting lost in construction, we met the lovely little partially deaf woman that agreed to give us a tour.  When guide, that was only as tall as our smallest children, asked what school we were from....I was prompted to say an exclusive private school. Very Exclusive.  I shouldn't be ashamed of homeschool, but I don't want her to mentally connect me to polygamy or the kind of person that is hoarding food and arms in preparation for dooms day.  Although I am the latter....it's best to play it cool.  Plus, she soon proved to know nothing about Utah history and she admitted to being a terribly liberal Liberal.  It was safer not to tell her much.

We were very professionally lead through some of the good parts of the Capitol.  On one level there were some busts of what I assume were supposed to be historically important people, but they had no plaques to describe their relevance.  We were shown the bust of a woman, whom our tour guide assured us was the first President of the Relief Society....however it was not Emma.  Emmaline B.  Wells as it turns out was a journalist and the 5th President of the R.S.  Luckily the kids were already crying for food and keeping their eyes peeled for the Secret Service, and paid very little attention.  This was helpful in assuring me that they would not be lead astray with misinformation, nor would they learn anything.  

Above is one of their favorite rooms....The Gold Room, where the Gov. entertains special people.  This and the newly installed Samsung flat screens everywhere lead me to rest easy knowing that my money is going to good use....who needs new Kevlar when we need new plum brocade so desperately.  We also went to the House of Representatives and saw the desk where the uncle of two of our boys parties when in session.  We visited the Senate and saw their staff being trained.  We also hit the Supreme Court, which is not used in this building any longer.

After standing on the opaque floor of the Rotunda and taking pictures of the shadows of our feet, the kids were near tears from hunger.  Our guide left us after saying that we were the best group she had ever had.  Even though her street cred was suspect with me, I chose to believe her on this point.  She also said that myself and my partner Kelly were fantastically amazing teachers.  Again we knew this to be true.  It was time to beat a path out of there and get some chicken!