What Kind Of Mother Are You?

Jack played football this year.  It's the first activity he actually asked for on his own.  He's been loving it.  If I were the kind of mother that I am supposed to be.......there would be pictures to substantiate my claim.  Jack was terribly adorable.  Everytime he made a touch down he would hang his head and pretend it was nothing instead of chest bump and high five.

A few weeks ago The School of Awesomeness (Jack's co-op) had Red Ribbon Week.  Of course Officer Handsome was our guest speaker.  We tried the old....scare em straight strategy.  Only one child confessed to nightmares after, and one refused to participate completely.   The children were whisked off to the land of drug abuse by their fearless leader, where they learned the dangers of meth abuse through pictorial proof provided by a series of mug shots.  Meth makes you look old, dirty and you get lots of red sores!  The treachery of huffing, shown here....

And to really drive it home, the kids wore 'beer goggles', which skew your vision and trick your mind.  It illustrated how your reaction time and balance are changed with alcohol use.

Riley is continuing on with her piano.  She has also been crafting like mad with Duct Tape.  It's been pretty fun.

Mads is in the children's theater play of 'Thumbelina'.  She seems excited.  She's really loved school but finds it a little boring.....which she told her teacher.  The teacher then sent home loads of algebra for her to do HERE.

Max remains shaggy and handsome.  He has no need of preschool because he finds it useless.  He will never know his numbers or letters.  He will grow up to be a wrestler or football player with a small farm on the side and a lovely wife that will do all of his reading for him.

What I Learned On Easter........

I know I should be using Easter as a time to blog about the Resurrection and a moment of spiritual enlightenment.  I am kind of sad for myself that this post isn't going to be about that.  Later I will probably have some shame associated with the lost opportunity.

Easter morning, as the sun was rising and I was snuggled in my down comforter on my yummy bed.
 I tried to have a moment of reflection.  I was just getting started considering the massive implications of the Atonement when the kids scuttled in.  Mads and Max got on the bed and wedged between Officer Handsome and I.  Mads pulled out the old 'kitten' routine and started bunting and kissing us and saying, 'Happy Easter!' to everyone.  As she cuddled into the bend of my knees and Max patted my face, Mads (where do things like this come from AT times like these?) blurts.....'I know what Meth is!"  I have a moment where I truly consider that she has learned how to make meth.  It flashes through my brain that she heard about some meth bust on KSL, in which they invariably tell you the ingredients, and she is informing me that by taking battery acid, fertilizer, and comet she can start her own business.  "Um, what Mads?"  (Hear the worry?)  "The Devil's spit!!!"

I am flooded with relief.  When I ask her who the Devil is....considering all of the answers......she falls back on her 2008 presidential campaign propaganda and shouts, "Barack Obama is Satan!"

Is Your Mamma Gonna Miss Ya Now You're Gone?

The incident occured Sunday October 31st around 0530.   The only witnesses to the crime were the handsome couple toodling down I-15.  The children were rendered unconscious from hours of Halloween partying and sugar withdrawl.

Witness statements.....
     Officer Handsome:  I think a jackrabbit just jumped in front of us.
     Lovely Lady:  What the *&^%$#@!  Aahahaha!  Something just flew at us!

Despite the dark nature of the night sky Officer Handsome signals and moves to the right.  Upon reaching the off-ramp he completes his stop and exits the SUV with an LED flash light.  He examines the bloodless carnage and returns to debrief.  Handing over the flashlight to Lovely Lady, he snickers and insists she should find interesting the scene at the front of the vehicle.  With much trepidation and a sense of foreboding, she rounds the SUV and finds herself face to carcass with an extremely large, and quite substantially dead owl.  Having known this is what she would find, she shrieks with pride, "I told you so!".  Then with the fear of God like ice water in her soul.....she runs down the off ramp pawing at the arteries in her own neck and shielding her ears from her own terrified screams.  It appears to be a case of suicide by SUV/Cop.

The body remains afixed with a rigid determination to the front of the vehicle.  Upon reaching Cedar City and the breaking of dawn across the morning sky, they were able to peer into the dead yellow eyes of the owl.  Contemplating removal of the body from the grill, their decision was made by the quickly growing crowd of excited Asian tourists.  The handsome couple were forced to move on with the corpse still firmly implanted, amid the flash of high quality Asain cameras.

The couple made many friends as they crossed Southern Utah, Arizona, the sinful and ugly Nevada, into the unsavory village of Barstow California.  People love to be entertained as they drive the Godforsaken desert.  This day, their dreams were realized.  Many hand gestures, smiles, gasps, and screams were exchanged.  For the few tenderhearted still remaining in the soul parched Nevada, there were tears shed as the owl triumphantly sped at great speeds, past their waning vehicles.

Upon entering Barstow, the town where life no longer has meaning, the handsome couple prepared to lay their new friend to rest.  Lovely Lady retrieved her secret stash of surgical gloves, secreted away in the secret compartment, for a scene such as this that she secretly knew would happen one day.  Pressing them into the caring, yet strong and manly hands of Officer Handsome, she exclaimed, "Don't touch that foulness with your bare hands!"  The bird was swiftly removed with little trouble, despite it's ability to ride the grill through four states.  Pictures were taken to document the momentous occasion.  The bird was toed by Officer Handsome just to be sure no signs of life remained after the arduous journey.  Nope, it was truely dead.  It was time for goodbyes and a few photo ops from the new crowd gathering at the Carl's Jr.  Farewell friend that gave us such memories!  Farewell.

Day #19 Nicknames I Have And Why I Have Them

Mariah: The name of the Wind in 'Paint Your Wagon'. It's an awesome western where this chick ends up with 2 hubbies during the California Gold Rush. Not really sure why my family decided to call me this but here are some of the lyrics of the song.

Away out here they got a name
For rain and wind and fire
The rain is Tess, the fire Joe,
And they call the wind Maria


Maria blows the stars around
And sends the clouds a flyin'
Maria makes the mountains sound
Like folks were up there dying

Out here they got a name for rain
For wind and fire only
But when you're lost and all alone
There ain't no word but lonely

And I'm a lost and lonely man
Without a star to guide me
Maria blow my love to me
I need my girl beside me


 Mariechka:  Throwing in a little Hungarian/Croatian to round things out.  My family used to tell my sister/cousin and I that we were Hungarian princesses.  Long story.  Sort of true.


Amyah:  This one is from my Grandma.

Soup:  This came from my maiden name.  One of my friends in Jr. High called me Peasoup and shortened it to Soup.

Pizza:  This is a given.  Most people mispronounce my maiden name and don't say Peezee, but Peck zuh, which I guess is like pizza to most children.

Easy Peczuh:  Hilarious considering my minimal dating history.  This would be like calling a tall fat man Tiny.

Ame or Ames:  This obviously comes straight from Amy shortened to one syllable for those of us that can't roll that second syllable off of our tongues.  I like these.

Maloo and Pooger:  From my dad.

Amarie: From my mama.  It combines my first and middle name.

Babe:  I am pretty partial to this one.

Mama:  My fave.

Day #17 Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

I truly find myself hysterical sometimes.  I stalled on this challenge.  Too much pressure to preform. 

I struggle right now whether to be straight about my answer here or not.  There are lots of people that I wouldn't mind trying their life out for a day.  I could live with being rich, I could live with having toned glutes and abs.  Frankly I could live with being Max, which would mean drinking chocolate milk and hanging out naked all day.  I wouldn't even mind being the wife o' my crush of the day.  But if truth be told I would like to be someone.....and I don't even know who she is.......that has the energy to do it all; be a fantastic, sweet tempered mother, a smoking hot wife, a real Betty in the kitchen, the skill to bring all of my home decorating fantasies to fruition, the wherewithall to squeeze in some sort of intense jump training workout, and the baffling ability to be lead by the Spirit in all my doings....to know what it would be like to be able to do the right thing without feeling like every step I took wasn't happening underwater with weights around my extremities....to have peace in my home and in my heart, to not struggle with feeling like I am tempted beyond my capacity at every turn.  I don't know who this person is.....but I wouldn't mind being her for a day.  P.S. It would really be icing on the cake if she had great hair to boot.

Day #13

Day #13  A letter to someone that has hurt me recently.

Dear Bread Bowl,
     You crusty little sucker with your pious smirk.  Your insides are soft and delicious.  You hold things I greatly desire; chicken salad, creamy soups.  You tempt me despite the high caloric intake.  My weakness for you is repaid with your injurous crust slicing through my tender thumb.  You will live long enough to regret this....as I rip you piece by piece to feed to the birds off of the pier.
                                                                                      Ever,
                                                                                               A

Day 11

Day #11 Another picture of me and my friends.....
I suspect this challenge was meant for a high school kid.  I mean seriously, if you go by my number of friends based on the amount of pictures I have.......I have no friends.  I don't often stop to pose while I am talking mom shop.  So here is a picture.  A picture I should be ashamed that I am using. 

Day #10

Day #10 Songs I listen to when I'm happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad...

I'm like a music mutt....I listen to just about anything.  It's possible I might even have bad taste.
When I'm happy....I love the song Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.  This song actually covers just about every feeling. I also love songs I can dance to, songs I can sing.  Nickleback, Lady A, Katy Perry, hymns, broadway, Glee....
Sad......Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts, maybe some Hinder and Nickleback too, Evan and Jerron.
Bored.....everything, country, Christian (ya, I will totally listen to Christian Rock), pop, rock, the list goes on.
Hyped.....Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Bon Jovi, country, Britney
Mad......more Nickleback lol.

Day #5

Day #5 A picture of a place I've been......
Obviously I don't get out much.  This is a picture of Buffalo Bill's in Nevada.  We stopped there on our previous trips to Disneyland.  This would be the buffalo shaped pool and also Jack's favorite part of the trip.  Yep, that's right.  I forked out a couple grand and this is what my kid liked.

Day #4

A Habit I Wish I Didn't Have.......

I'm sure I've spoken of it before, but he actual diagnosis is Horizontal Stacking Disorder with a side of Cleaning Imposed Attention Deficit.....
I love clean counter tops with a bowl of fruit and vintage canisters, but I don't have them.  I love a clean and stylish night stand with a mod lamp and my cool jewelry stand, but I don't have one.  I adore a clean dresser top with a picture of my Nuggets, but I don't have that either. 
Instead I have counter tops covered with homework and tons of little kid art and recipes.  My night stand is covered in scriptures, a dictionary, a mammoth load of books.  And my dresser is covered in Max's movies and loose change.
In theory I can clean all of those things but going from beginning to end is exhausting.  I get so sidetracked by wanting to put EVERYTHING away at one time that it gets nutty. I run from room to room and in every room find something new to clean. 
So I just live with the bad habit.

Day #3

A picture of me and my friends.  My girl Jodi.  My sista Joey.  My friend Heather.  This is the best I could do in the picture department.  Cabo Wabo in Vegas, with food to die for and friends too.  The lady that took our picture kept telling us we had great skin.  I guess I can live with that.

Day #2

Day #2
The blog name.......
It's madness at our house 24-7.  Everyone has their very own distinct personality and everyone is VERY different from everyone else.  In the morning Ri likes to get up early and take the bus.  Jack and Mads have to be dragged from bed and forced to go to school.  Max would rather be cuddling with a blanket and some chocolate milk.  Daddy will normally get up in time to slap on the Kevlar and disappear for about 15 hours.  I might get up early or I might need to be woken up by Ri. 
After school Mads will do tumbling and want to play the piano, read, and play with her friends.  Jack will do anything under the sun to put off homework and chores.  He would rather be playing in the dirt, riding the 4 wheeler or playing with neighborhood friends and dogs.  He doesn't like piano or scouts.  Riles immediately finishes homework, does a chore and is off to ride bikes, play basketball or cook something.  She has lots of friends that live near us and she would be out with then until bedtime if she could.  She has piano lessons and singing, no longer has any use for tumbling, and has a good time at Activity Days (mostly because I am there and I am awesome).  Max wishes he was 8 so he could do what everyone else does.  He thinks all of his brother's and sisters' friends are his.  He loves to dig in the dirt and make lakes and rivers for his plastic dogs and cattle.  He always wants to be on the 4 wheeler.  He has a terrifically hideous break down most afternoons because he is tired but won't nap.  He also is pretty good at helping make dinner.  He really picked up on a lot of household chores because he wouldn't let me put him down for the first 2 years of his life.  Daddy pops in and out, usually for long enough to stir up the kids and then he's back to work. 
Dinner is nuts.  At least 3 of the kids fight over praying.  Max will generally contaminate Mads food so that she needs a new plate. 
No one wants to go to bed even though everyone is really tired.  It is a lot like trying to grab scattering marbles.  There is lots of running around wet and naked having lotion fights.  Everyone wants a different story.  Max wants to be held.  Mads needs her bedtime ritual.  Ri will read for at least an hour.  Jack needs to be hunted like an animal because you can always count on finding him......not in bed.
By 5ish I am mentally shutting down from exhaustion.  If the Dad is around I turn into a zombie and mentally check out.  That's not very often though.  Usually I am not hitting the sheets until late and then I HAVE to read just so that I can do something I like for awhile. 
It's pure madness.  Lots of noise and excitement and movement.  Even though it makes me tired and question my sanity......I love it.  I love it.  I. LOVE. IT!

I Am Original/ Day 1

Straight off.......I totally hacked this idea from another blog.  I might be original in technical terms, but my ideas aren't. 
The plan is to follow this little formula in order to boost my blogging.  I am sure it will take me more than the alloted 30 days.

day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

day 2- the meaning behind your blog name
day 3- a picture of you and your friends
day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have
day 5- a picture of somewhere you've been to
day 6- favorite super hero and why
day 7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
day 8- short term goals for this month and why
day 9- something you're proud of in the past few days
day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
day 11- another picture of you and your friends
day 12- how you found out about blogger and why you have one
day 13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recently
day 14- a picture of you and your family
day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
day 16- another picture of yourself
day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have
day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them
day 20- someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future
day 21- a picture of something that makes you happy
day 22- what makes you different from everyone else
day 23- something you crave for a lot
day 24- a letter to your parents
day 25- what I would find in your bag
day 26- what do you think about your friends
day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge
day 28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?
day 29- in this past month, what have you learned
day 30- your favorite song

15 Interesting Facts.......(I know, repetative.....like I haven't done this before).
1.  I hate repetative sounds.  Don't make them around me.
2.  I love it when Max gets tired and follows me around trying to get his hand up my shirt.  Skin to skin contact is very reassuring.
3.  My current obsession is the TLC show Sister Wives.  Like a terrible, terrible accident...I cannot look away.
4.  I carry a book everywhere I go, just like a woobie.  It is my security blanket.  It helps me disengage from the pulic at large and if someone really wants to talk to me, they can talk about my book.
5.  When I was pregnant with Riley I ate only chocolate Pull n' Peels, Hostess Chocolate Cupcakes, and drank Sunny Delight.  Imagine if I had eaten properly what a genius should would be.
6.  I like my kitchen sink clean and void of dishes.  I hate doing dishes though.
7.  I religiously ate either grilled cheese or tuna sandwiches for dinner nearly every night between the ages of 9 and 14.
8.  I worry that when the world ends I won't be home and I will have no way to get to my kids.
9.  I love Halloween.  I love to dress up and be someone totally different from myself.
10.  I had 2 pet rats.
11.  I am stoked to hit Disneyland with my nuggets and my parents.
12.  I was ready for Jason to propose in August and get married in December.  He didn't pop the question until December.
13.  When people ask what I would do different about my wedding......I would have eloped over Christmas break.
14.  Junior Mints are where it's at baby.
15.  I feel like Jack's emotional twin and I hate making him do things he doesn't want to do.....because I wouldn't want to do them either.

Tuesdays With Maxy

Max has developed a new ritual.  Every Tuesday morning when the garbage truck comes, he likes to go sit on the cement in the drive way and watch the garbage being dumped at every house on the street.  When it's finally our turn, he claps like a wild man when the trash is emptied into the back of the truck.  Then he waves and waves at the driver.
*******
Knock on wood but Max is finally potty trained.  There weren't any tricks that worked.  Candy...nope.  Shooting a gun.....nope.  The promise of a new Transformer.....nope.  He just finally decided it was time and hasn't looked back. 
One day after he had been successfully using the potty for a few weeks he said that it was time for him to ride the potty train.  He said he could ride it alone and then decided he would rather invite his brother and sisters and me.  Jack cracked a smile....laughed and told Max that he was free Thursday.  Funny boys!
********
Max loves to follow me around the house with plastic bugs and lizards hidden in his hands.  Then he will tell me that he has something for me and throw them at my face.  He thinks it is hilarious.....and he learned it from Ri.  She's good enough that I really believe she is going to throw a bug at me.  I always scream when Ri does it and that is the exact reaction I have to give Max too, to make him happy.
*******
Max can run the dishwasher and unload part of it.  He can also run the washer and dryer, put the clothes in and transfer them.  He isn't half bad at sweeping the floor and cleaning his room.  You would think if all of that were true, I would have a much easier job.  Some how it hasn't worked out that way yet.
********
When I asked Max what we were going to do all day with his Ri Ri and Dackie gone, he said,"Play Mario Cart."
*******
He's still just a baby though.  When he's getting tired and needs some snuggles, he shoves his hand right up my shirt and rubs my stomach.  The other night he was exhausted and had one hand under my shirt and the other clutching Woobie.  He kept shoving his hand against the underwire in my bra.  Finally he had enough and said,"What is undoo you shoot?"  I said, "My bra Max."   He said, "I can't get undoo it.  Why you weawing it?"   I said, "That's exactly why Max."

Pittsburgh Is Code For BORED!

        When left to my own devices.....no internet, no TV, no newspapers...I crumbled.  Superman was in Pittsburgh for one week and I couldn't take the stress of being left alone with my own thoughts.  I took up a shameful crime...er crafting spree.                                                                     

Exhibit A) Wreath

B) Riley's unfortunate jewelry box

C) One of two free lamps that got in my way....plus my cute little jewelry plate that Superman mocks.

D) Little flowers and old pictures.....awe:)

E) The bench and it's accompanying cushion


I also massacred a pillowcase dress, another wreath, a flowered headband, two chairs, and a body pillow with covers for Ri's bed....but since my crafting and picture taking are about equal in negativity, the pictures didn't  make it.

Why do I laugh????

I have all of the nuggies in the car the other day toodling off on some errand and I hear this conversation, which cracked me up.......

Jack:  Hey Mom, I thought I just saw Isaac down in that trailer court bouncing a basket ball with his hand.
Mads:  Me too.
Jack:  Maddy you don't even know who Isaac is.
Mads:  Yes I do!
Jack: Okay Maddy.......how many arms did he have?  (this is very significant because Isaac only has one arm, also if any normal person were asked this question, they would then ask themselves why this would be significant to Jack and probably change their standard two arm answer.....nope)
Mads:  TWO!
Jack:  Maddy you don't know anything!  He does not!  He only has one.
Mads:  That's what I meant Jack....he has one arm........on each side!

This has seriously cracked me up for days.....
*********
Today I was a guest speaker in Relief Society and miracle of miracles, I did not go up in flame.  Probably God is waiting for me to finish with my mistake making so the fireball  will be awe inspiring........not the point though.  I was comparing myself to Jack.....super sensitive, not a real people person, not willing to try when things look daunting, shy, and not very willing to be creative because that is risking too much.....One of my very favorite people in my ward came up after and said....."When you started comparing yourself to one of your kids, I thought it would be Maddy.  She is so out there, such a people person, so beautiful and self confident."  Sadly I laughed that she had been snookered by my wily ways.  All Maddy got from me was quick wit and the inability to pick up her dirty laundry.  Her sweet spirit and extrovert personality came straight from her dadda.

Going Private

I'm finally getting off of my lazy duff and making the blog private. I keep using the kid's names and I am sure I am leaking some kind of information. I don't know that anyone would even care who we are........nevertheless..........

Leave a comment with your e mail or you can e mail me or message me on facebook. If you leave a comment I will delete it as soon as I can so that your info. isn't floating around out there.

If you are blog stalking me..........feel free to leave your email too.......I'll be flattered :)

My BFF

My BFF (best friend forever) is a bad influence. I hate everything she stands for...........but I can't seem to break ties. We've been together our whole lives and I don't know what I would do without her. Every single thing I do wrong is 100% her fault.

From my first moment of consciousness I can't shake her. She doesn't want us to get up, especially if it is because Max wants a cup of milk. Uugh, that girl sets me on edge. Of course I have to do all of the work and drag both of us out from under the down comforter and stumble down to the basement to wake up the big guys. 'She' thinks we should just holler from upstairs, but it hasn't ever worked.

I am dedicated to making lunches at least three days a week. School lunch is an atrocious amount of money for an eeeh meal. BFF hates making lunches in the morning. I tried to tell her that it would be easier to start it the night before, but she REALLY likes to put things off.

By the time getting in the sport van to hit the road rolls around..........she actually wants me to leave the babies at home because she doesn't want to strap them in car seats. I can't believe her. BFF is one freaking lazy chick.

I am semi committed to working out a few times a week. I can't take looking like I put on 20 pounds. I will never actually know that for a fact because I don't let BFF weigh herself. That is forbotten at our house. It's about the only rule I can hold her to. She and I strap on our brand new, heavy duty sports bra and hit Tae Bo. BFF HATES Tae Bo and it's all she talks about the WHOLE work out. There have been a few times that she actually talked me out of going. We went back home and cuddled with the baby in bed. I had to enroll her in Tae Bo because the only way she will workout is to have someone yelling at her.

BFF really lacks energy and drive. When we are home during the day with the kids she doesn't want to help put the laundry away, unload the dishwasher........even though Max is willing to help, go to the store (she truly despises putting away the groceries), or mop the floor (she can't get past the fact that she has to sweep first and move all of the chairs........plus I like to hand mop and dry and she says it hurts her knees). Really, can you even stand her? BFF doesn't even like to shower. It's like pulling teeth. Come on........showering is necessary to even feel human. But she says she hates having to get out and put on lotion, six kinds of hair product, makeup and then style her hair. I secretly think she doesn't even like to raise her arms above her head, but I can't get her to admit it.

Eventually it's lunch time. BFF waits all morning for lunch. I try to make her wait until at least 11 am, but there have been a few times that she convinced me that 10:30 was just as good. Even though she is dying to eat, she doesn't really want to fix anything. She would eat Chinese food everyday if I let her. On one hand I can't blame her. I am about 95% sure that the rice noodles she loves are spiked with meth. I don't think an addiction level as high as BFF has could occur from mere food. I have her held off to only eating out once a week. She is still wringing my pockets dry.

BFF could spend the whole day with a book. No matter what pressing matter is at hand she carries one everywhere. Her book fettish is only rivaled by..... nothing, not even the rice noodles. In fact, the more she has to do, the harder it is to get the book out of her hands. The only things I can't get her to read...............are the things she is supposed to read.

I realized that if I were going to feed the kids a) before 8:00 pm b) something besides a pb&j or c) not cold cereal........that I was going to have to plan. BFF is the LEAST organized girl I have ever met. She doesn't want to plan ahead. It makes her out of breath. She actually told me once that she doesn't want to do anything that causes her to sweat, increase her heartbeat beyond resting heart rate, and that makes her uncomfortable physically or emotionally. I have goaded her into crock potting here and there, once with the promise of using a whole stick of butter because she loves butter.

When it's time to start getting ready for bed, BFF really puts up a fuss. The kids need to be showered and she hates it. First she doesn't like their whining. She has an amazingly low tolerance for noise. Superman once gave her a box of earplugs for Christmas. She also doesn't like water on the floor of the bathroom. I tried to tell her it makes it easier to mop when the puddles are that big, but once she has bed in her sights...........she's like a cattle stampede....unstoppable. If the kids make noise, take too long, laugh, run through the house naked, leave towels on the floor, spank each others wet bottoms, spill Victoria's Secret lotion on the carpet, or leave their dirty clothes in the bathroom, she thinks it's okay to tell them to go to bed without a bedtime story. I keep telling her that is a bad punishment.......even the 'experts' say never to take reading time away........but she's a tough cookie to convince.

Max likes to push my shirt up and lay on my stomach when he's tired. BFF actually will go along with this one because she can do it in a prone position. But once you get her laid out like that, you can't get her back up. If only I could convince Superman to cuddle with Max sometimes....... She claims she tired, but if the day went the way she likes, I can't figure out what from. I'll tell you who is tired..........ME.

BFF is exhausting. I get so sick of battling her at every turn. Everything is out of her comfort zone. She reminds me of a trickle of water...........just dripping and running around the resistance. I question all of the time what happened to the BFF of everyone else that I know. They seem to have ditched the little hussies..........or maybe they never got that attached. BFF has a demon like personality. I wonder if exorcism could part us?

Housekeeping Monthly in May 1955 says............

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands hand faces if they are small, comb their hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little
treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer,
dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late
for dinner. Count this as minor compared to with what he might have gone through that
day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie
down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and
offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to
relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival
is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to
other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure,
his need to be home and relax.

10. The goal: To make your home a place of peace and order, where your husband can
can relax.

Would I.......could I........ I am not at all making fun of this. I actually wish it were more like this. On the eve of another week of training (ie.......home without protection from the children) I am wishing to time travel to the 1950's. I could wear the cutest dresses!!! heels, bows in my hair and my Superman would be home at 5:00 pm sharp.

The real deal is more like this.....
1. Dinner will be made and eaten long before he arrives. Even if there are any left overs he will refuse to eat them, turning to the box of Captain Crunch. The children will lament the empty box in the morning. Crying with dismay as I screech at them to move faster.

2. I am prepared for his arrival by either being out of the house with after school activities while he is changing uniforms to head out the door again.......or I will be unconscious with a bobby pin in my bangs and my favorite cowboy pajamas on. Most likely I will be drooling on the sheets or asleep in a book. His day may or may not have been boring.......18 hour drive or a bloody wreck. I may not know for days.

3. The clutter will be right were I left it when I drug off to bed. The homework will be on the counter, the puzzles on the kitchen table. My ADD has equipped me to begin putting the laundry away but not to finish.....therefore there will be a stack of clothes covering the couch.

4. The children will be prepared and asleep. Dandy, if only I were awake.

5. If he comes home in the dead of night, the noise will be only the fans giving us the breeze to take us through a good night. If he arrives during dinner I will be unable to quell the onslaught of "DADDY! DADDY! I did a back handspring and *blank's* dad got drunk while they were camping. Maddy threw all of her Care bears down the stairs. Popcorn, popcorn! Can I ride the four wheeler?" These are all shouted at once. And probably because they haven't seen Daddy for two days.

6. If I am awake I will try not to greet him with complaints.......the sheer volume of my screams and profuse weeping might give me away though. I have compassion over the fact that he had to clean up brains, change a tire on the freeway with semis speeding by, and kick someone out of college for drugs and alcohol.

7. How I would love to make him comfortable. Most likely he will have time to enter the closet and emerge in other work clothes. If I am lucky we will pass in the bathroom. I cannot give comfort. Next time I will leave a note, "Dr. Pepper is in the fridge and super size box of popcorn is on the shelf. Love you babe."

8. I do however listen. He will say where he is off to and his expected time or re-arrival. This, will be a gross miscalculation.

9. Make the evening his.........I sure will. He will be all alone at work without the decibels high enough to render one permanently deaf. He will be without food, hugs, kisses, homework, tumbling or snuggling, but the evening will belong to him. The day of strain and pressure will seep eerily into the night, with no one to mark it but himself.

10. Well, he sleeps well when he gets there, so I have to assume he feels peaceful enough.

This was not a complaint. The realities of a new century are stark. I am going to buy an A line skirt, an apron, some heals and a steak. I will meet this goal yet.

My Ticket to Hell

Superman just saw Lance Armstrong on TV and said.........(paraphrase) 'I could ride a bike all day up hill and love every minute, even the agonizing ones.'
I said....."When the last punch on my ticket to hell is finally punched I am pretty sure there will be a stationary bike waiting for me.........set on up hill."

How can two people see heaven and hell so differently? I guess it makes sense.....he will be in heaven and I will be in hell and we will be in the same place.