Moving Forward...

                                                                      Baby Josh                                       

                                                                   Big boy Josh

Baby Coco

                                                                    Still baby Coco

                                                                       The Six

I'm waiting for the paralegal to call, holding Coco, helping Josh with his football helmet, pretending early intervention won't care about the 3 loads of laundry in the entry way or the 4 new carseats, or the prizes for trunk or treat, or the school papers from 4 kids, or that I haven't showered or dressed.

As it turned out one more court date spawned more court dates like maggots in a dead cat.  The time was dragging out and our lives were measured in the time between court dates.  The babies days were filled with friends and family, breakfast-lunch-dinner, prayers, singing, watching big brother and sister in sporting events, reading, puzzles, naps and kisses.......so many kisses.  But for the rest of us that knew, there was always an ominous shadow lurking in our corners and creeping out when our minds had time to rest.

Instead of this experience being about having a charitable heart and growing in a Christ like way.....my heart was getting blacker, even blacker than it started out.  I felt like I was rotting from the inside.  My thoughts were consumed with bringing another human being so low that I broke them, if it meant I could protect my little babies.  The longer the time dragged out, with every court date missed like it was nothing more than a delinquent library book, with my time wasted and the babies growing older.........my heart was set on destruction.  Riley ended up in the hospital for 6 days with a GI bleed, and by the time we were sent home with no answers about her health, my spirit broke.  I didn't like myself.  Normally I can tolerate a good bit of myself, the snarky attitude, the unfriendly aire, the inappropriate humor, the charming smile, the devil may care outlook.

It was time to do something good and do contrary to my nature.  I made a photo album for the mama of the boys.  So if I'm being truthful I guess that wasn't %100 pure love of Christ there because I planned to use it to my advantage.......just a little.  I know she really loves the boys and I knew she would love a photo ablum........and I knew that would make her come to court.  I prayed that there would be a way that she and I could talk.  I had a strong feeling that if I protected her, if I loved her, if my help was aimed at her.....

(Also, I want to say that to my knowledge she has always been very respectful and kind.  She has always been very sweet. She is a beautiful girl.  She really is.)

 She texted one evening to ask about the boys. She asked me what the next court date was for and we began a lengthy conversation in which both our hearts changed.  I wanted for her and she wanted for the boys.  We talked about what her options were.  We talked about all of the confusing and painful truths that had to be covered.

Court arrived, their mama arrived, she agreed to relinquishment.  She asked if I would go with her to see the judge.  We went.  It was terrifying.  My heart broke for her.  I don't know how she did it.  I don't think I could.  She was brave, and strong, and little, and alone, and crying.  We sat in the hall away from the crowd of other parents with open DCFS cases, the caseworkers, the lawyers.  What can you do to comfort someome in so much pain? She curled up into a ball on a bench.  I was afraid to speak.  I pulled her into my lap like she was Joshy when he falls.  I rocked her and kissed her and smoothed her hair.  Is that weird?  We talked about funny baby things our boys do.  I told her she was a good mom. I wasn't lying to her.

That mama will have an abundance of blessings.  I hope she feels some in this life.  I know she will throughout eternity.  Her selfless act was her crowning act of motherhood. If you have a moment, keep her in your prayers.  Pray for her comfort and peace.  Pray for her happiness and success. 

Two little babies played football and ate graham crackers and took naps.  They played with friends and Max.  They didn't know that a switch was thrown on their life path and nothing will ever be the same again.  They didn't know their two mamas sat crying in a ball of snot and tears.

Adoption, blessings and the sealing are happy things to look forward to.  Eternity just opened up......

What Kind Of Mother Are You?

Jack played football this year.  It's the first activity he actually asked for on his own.  He's been loving it.  If I were the kind of mother that I am supposed to be.......there would be pictures to substantiate my claim.  Jack was terribly adorable.  Everytime he made a touch down he would hang his head and pretend it was nothing instead of chest bump and high five.

A few weeks ago The School of Awesomeness (Jack's co-op) had Red Ribbon Week.  Of course Officer Handsome was our guest speaker.  We tried the old....scare em straight strategy.  Only one child confessed to nightmares after, and one refused to participate completely.   The children were whisked off to the land of drug abuse by their fearless leader, where they learned the dangers of meth abuse through pictorial proof provided by a series of mug shots.  Meth makes you look old, dirty and you get lots of red sores!  The treachery of huffing, shown here....

And to really drive it home, the kids wore 'beer goggles', which skew your vision and trick your mind.  It illustrated how your reaction time and balance are changed with alcohol use.

Riley is continuing on with her piano.  She has also been crafting like mad with Duct Tape.  It's been pretty fun.

Mads is in the children's theater play of 'Thumbelina'.  She seems excited.  She's really loved school but finds it a little boring.....which she told her teacher.  The teacher then sent home loads of algebra for her to do HERE.

Max remains shaggy and handsome.  He has no need of preschool because he finds it useless.  He will never know his numbers or letters.  He will grow up to be a wrestler or football player with a small farm on the side and a lovely wife that will do all of his reading for him.

Death Shudder

 Anyone that is left with nothing better to do and is reading this blog......it just had a little death shudder.  Life has been busy and I can't bring myself to log on to my blog.  What with having to put in my password and all, it's quite a chore.  Here are some things that have occurred over the summer.  Mostly this is for my own journaling.  If you happen to read.......please do enjoy.

Above is Jason running the Lunatic Triathalon earlier in the summer.  This is a fun event that happens in our area and takes place at night.  This kids made posters and cheered their dad on.  He had a really great time of 1 hour 8 minutes.....a really great time considering he didn't prepare by doing anything.  Some people have all the luck with their bodies!

 Another fun time was when Jason took the nuggies fishing and hooked his own hand on the way out of the truck.  He stuck it out of course and finished fishing with them before coming home and heading to the ER.  It took quite a bit to numb the old finger.  Then they cut the hook, unwrapped the fly, and pulled the hook out forward.  He didn't even bleed.  They put on a band aid to make themselves feel proficient.  It was a busy night in the ER but since Jason wasn't high on meth we were triaged to the front of the line.

 Piglet finally convinced me to let her cut Rasta hair off.  It was long and gorgeous, but awful to care for!  She donated (or will when I get an envelope) to Locks of Love.

We had a fun time going to Seven Peaks water park, staying in a condo in Park City, going to baseball games, camping, and hiking Timpanogis. Here we are high above the valley.

Mads let me do a photo shoot of her with her hair!   She is so adorable.  This picture should have been with the short hair one........but alas I am not patient enough to go back and put it in the right place.

School just started.  Here are Ri and Mads on the firtst day.  Ri is in 6th.  Mads is in 1st.  They seem to be enjoying it.

This is Jack's first day of co-op.  We are co-opping with 3 other families.  The moms are awesome and the kids are great too.  Jack has really opened up since starting homeschool.  Many people have commented that he is so much happier and approachable.  He is willing to do activities and socialize, which he was not willing to do before.  He will be starting football in a week and seems excited.  He loves school!  What a blessing. 

What I Learned On Easter........

I know I should be using Easter as a time to blog about the Resurrection and a moment of spiritual enlightenment.  I am kind of sad for myself that this post isn't going to be about that.  Later I will probably have some shame associated with the lost opportunity.

Easter morning, as the sun was rising and I was snuggled in my down comforter on my yummy bed.
 I tried to have a moment of reflection.  I was just getting started considering the massive implications of the Atonement when the kids scuttled in.  Mads and Max got on the bed and wedged between Officer Handsome and I.  Mads pulled out the old 'kitten' routine and started bunting and kissing us and saying, 'Happy Easter!' to everyone.  As she cuddled into the bend of my knees and Max patted my face, Mads (where do things like this come from AT times like these?) blurts.....'I know what Meth is!"  I have a moment where I truly consider that she has learned how to make meth.  It flashes through my brain that she heard about some meth bust on KSL, in which they invariably tell you the ingredients, and she is informing me that by taking battery acid, fertilizer, and comet she can start her own business.  "Um, what Mads?"  (Hear the worry?)  "The Devil's spit!!!"

I am flooded with relief.  When I ask her who the Devil is....considering all of the answers......she falls back on her 2008 presidential campaign propaganda and shouts, "Barack Obama is Satan!"

Day #14

Day #14 A picture of my family and I. 

Day #9

Day #9 Something I am proud of in the last few days.

Monday Mads had her little eyeball gouged out at tumbling. Poor nugget had a bad afternoon being rush from doctor to specialist.   I am proud that I held her that night while she fell asleep.
Jack became sick at school.  I drove rather swiftly to his rescue and found him near breaking in the school office.  I am proud that I could be home to take care of him when he needed me.
Riley has felt of late that she is old enough to ride her bike down the street to the park.  I am proud of myself for giving her a cell phone with instructions to run screaming if anyone looks at her......and then letting her ride her bike out of the driveway.......
Max has been tired and had a stuffy nosy, and even though I needed to clean the house for the appraiser and pack for Disneyland, I made him choccy moomie and snuggled on the couch.  Yep, I'm proud of that too.

Day #7

 

Day #7 A picture of someone or something that has had the biggest impact on you.

So what, I'm gonna break the rules.  I am naming at least 5.  This is my journal and this is how I want to journal it.

Ri is my first baby and that definitely impacted my life.  I will never be the same shallow person roaming the world without a point.  Having kids gave me much more focus, deeper understanding of life, and made me take the spiritual side of my life much less flippantly. Riley is my right hand.  She is a great sister and a good buddy for me. 

Jacks helped me understand boys better.  They need a lot more physical attention.  Jack was another limb on my body until he was about 4 years old.  Jack has a deeply sensitive side that I feel the urge to protect and yet I wish I could toughen him up so that he didn't feel so intensly.  I can see a lot of myself and my parents in Jack.  It's helped me to appreciate my mom and dad more.

Ah, my little piece of ham, my little Maddy Cat.  Before Miss M was born I had a blessing that said she would bring me so much joy.  Boy was that ever true.  She is funny, beautiful, and a screaming genius.  This kid has it all......except for the good eye sight.  I wish I could attribute all of the good parts of Mads to my fantastically honed mothering skills but this kid has taught herself everything; getting dressed, tying her shoes, riding a bike, putting on makeup, reading........this chicklet is the total package. 

I have never been more tired than when I look at this picture of Max.  Max is in constant motion.  He is his own law of physics.  He is sweet and sunny, mean and devious, and super funny.  He asks me all of the time if the cars he sees really transform.  Everytime I say that I don't think so and he answers in return that he does think so.  He's my little bitty baby.  The last of the greatest souls ever sent this way.

That's my guy:)  He's eating a Happy Meal shot.  That would be a complete Happy Meal blended together to make a tasty, vomit inducing treat.  He did it because I thought it would be funny and he likes to make me happy.  He spends a lot of time making me happy.  He impacts my life everyday.  He keeps me on the straight and narrow.  I would surely not be the person that I am (for good or bad) without his constant love and encouragement.  Frankly kids.......he's a stud.

Not pictured are my parents.  They have been fantasticly loving.  I think of how much patience my mom had when I was little and wonder why I didn't inherit any.  I see what an upstanding man my dad is and hope to ever be that smart and have that much integrity.  It has been the best thing in the world to see them as grandparents.  Watching them be happy because ALL of their awesome grandkids has really done my old heart good.

Last but not least, something I am pretty tight lipped about.  The thing that has impacted my life in a big way is my faith.  Ya, I actually have some.  Without the knowledge that I have of eternal concepts, I would be a quivering heap.  It helps center me to be able to see the big picture and know that everything and everyone I  love will go on.  I can mess up with every step I take and I'll still be okay.  I don't have to be perfect.  I can't be perfect.

Back to School

Stopping the new school year was like trying to stop a hurricane.  I tried my best but the wind and rain came and so did September:(

As you can see, Miss Mad is pretty happy.  This was not her real first day.  She only had testing for placement.  But she has been waiting nearly 6 years (no preschool even!) and going in for testing was good enough.  Mads ended up in the classroom next door to her bestie, which was a sad day.  She is usually excited and enjoying herself.  She went in reading so she has had a lot of reading homework.  On the days she hasn't had enough sleep she is kind enough to tell me I was right when I told her she would be better off being homeschooled.

My dear boy......go ahead and look again at his face.  Jack does not enjoy leaving home.  He would rather be here with Mama and Max, herding his cows on the ranches he creates all over the house and yard, complete with watering holes and cattle guards.  He is terribly bright and popular, and once he gets to school things go smoothly.  But making the break from home is heart breaking.  I think 3rd grade is going to be his year.  His personal goal is to go to school happy....ish, and without resistance.  If that happens, every month he can choose one day to stay home. 

Lovely Ri Ri.  Fifth grade.  I just gagged a little.  Riles is the one child that does not want to be homeschooled.  She has lots of friends, sets her own physical and educational goals, and loves sports at recess.  This year instead of joint ruining gymnastics, she is taking piano, basketball, and more baseball.

Max, Max, Max.  When people ask him if he is going to school this year he says, "No, I not big enough."  For better or worse he might be my last and I am indulging myself by keeping him home.  Since his birthday is close to the cut off, he will be going nearly a full year before his sisters did.  Then he's gone forever. 

I used to think that if you were an involved parent, public school was a viable option.  I am seriously beginning to rethink that.  But that's another story.

Tuesdays With Maxy

Max has developed a new ritual.  Every Tuesday morning when the garbage truck comes, he likes to go sit on the cement in the drive way and watch the garbage being dumped at every house on the street.  When it's finally our turn, he claps like a wild man when the trash is emptied into the back of the truck.  Then he waves and waves at the driver.
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Knock on wood but Max is finally potty trained.  There weren't any tricks that worked.  Candy...nope.  Shooting a gun.....nope.  The promise of a new Transformer.....nope.  He just finally decided it was time and hasn't looked back. 
One day after he had been successfully using the potty for a few weeks he said that it was time for him to ride the potty train.  He said he could ride it alone and then decided he would rather invite his brother and sisters and me.  Jack cracked a smile....laughed and told Max that he was free Thursday.  Funny boys!
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Max loves to follow me around the house with plastic bugs and lizards hidden in his hands.  Then he will tell me that he has something for me and throw them at my face.  He thinks it is hilarious.....and he learned it from Ri.  She's good enough that I really believe she is going to throw a bug at me.  I always scream when Ri does it and that is the exact reaction I have to give Max too, to make him happy.
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Max can run the dishwasher and unload part of it.  He can also run the washer and dryer, put the clothes in and transfer them.  He isn't half bad at sweeping the floor and cleaning his room.  You would think if all of that were true, I would have a much easier job.  Some how it hasn't worked out that way yet.
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When I asked Max what we were going to do all day with his Ri Ri and Dackie gone, he said,"Play Mario Cart."
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He's still just a baby though.  When he's getting tired and needs some snuggles, he shoves his hand right up my shirt and rubs my stomach.  The other night he was exhausted and had one hand under my shirt and the other clutching Woobie.  He kept shoving his hand against the underwire in my bra.  Finally he had enough and said,"What is undoo you shoot?"  I said, "My bra Max."   He said, "I can't get undoo it.  Why you weawing it?"   I said, "That's exactly why Max."

Max's 3rd Birthday

Max opted to spend his day of birth doing testosterone jello shots.  Dada, Dackie, and Coppa took old Maximus out for some four wheeling.  They rode some fun trails all day and stopped for dog food soup (bean and bacon....which in my book smells like a can of Alpo) and a celebratory brownie.  Only one near accident occured when Dada dismounted the four wheeler to open a gate, leaving Max to grab the gas, throttle the heck out of it, and speed off.

The day before the Max's big day, the whole family went to the Gateway.  The kids played in the Olympic Fountain while I melted into a puddle and Superman went looking for cold liquid.

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A Maxism:   A few days before his birthday, Max and I were having a cuddle on the bed.  He'd had enough resting and threw himself knees first into my lower back.  As I blinked back tears and let out wimpers of pain, he said, "Ifs you foe up, cops west you.  (Not a threat at this point....I wouldn't have minded being lead off in a patrol car to my own hard bunk.....with no children to beat me.)"  When I told him I didn't think I was going to throw up anymore he said, "Then you wanna buy new ouse (house)? Beeeooo (blue) or bown (brown)?"  He obviously knows my love of realestate.

It's All Fun And Games Until........

One day Ri and her very goodest friend Regan decided to paint each other's faces.  I don't happen to have a lot of face paint since I have up clowning.  So I pulled out an old tube of lipstick and figured that would do.  Not much later they show up with their faces completely 'Innsbruck Bronze'.   They had begun by only painting certain parts but succumbed to the pull of the lipstick.  The funniest part.......it wouldn't come off.  Soap and water wouldn't cut through it and I didn't want to burn their faces off with any adult facial cleaning products.  We even tried lotion.  We finally settled on some 'Clean and Clear' stuff and then I had to moisturize the heck out of their skin.  They still had sparkle around their hairline and in their EYEBROWS along with a healthy glow on their skin.

I understand the need to take things a little too far......once you start you just can't stop.  I found a razor in the bathtub when I was little.  I felt like I could really make myself into a true beauty.  I shaved some arm hair and then decided........to clean up the eyebrows.  A very short swipe of the razor later......I had no eyebrows.  Unfortunately it took more than a damp rag and powerful acne cleaner to restore me to my former self.  My mother wasn't as easily tricked as I had assumed and realized that there was something severely wrong when I wrapped a scarf around my forehead and assumed a pirate brogue.

Why do I laugh????

I have all of the nuggies in the car the other day toodling off on some errand and I hear this conversation, which cracked me up.......

Jack:  Hey Mom, I thought I just saw Isaac down in that trailer court bouncing a basket ball with his hand.
Mads:  Me too.
Jack:  Maddy you don't even know who Isaac is.
Mads:  Yes I do!
Jack: Okay Maddy.......how many arms did he have?  (this is very significant because Isaac only has one arm, also if any normal person were asked this question, they would then ask themselves why this would be significant to Jack and probably change their standard two arm answer.....nope)
Mads:  TWO!
Jack:  Maddy you don't know anything!  He does not!  He only has one.
Mads:  That's what I meant Jack....he has one arm........on each side!

This has seriously cracked me up for days.....
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Today I was a guest speaker in Relief Society and miracle of miracles, I did not go up in flame.  Probably God is waiting for me to finish with my mistake making so the fireball  will be awe inspiring........not the point though.  I was comparing myself to Jack.....super sensitive, not a real people person, not willing to try when things look daunting, shy, and not very willing to be creative because that is risking too much.....One of my very favorite people in my ward came up after and said....."When you started comparing yourself to one of your kids, I thought it would be Maddy.  She is so out there, such a people person, so beautiful and self confident."  Sadly I laughed that she had been snookered by my wily ways.  All Maddy got from me was quick wit and the inability to pick up her dirty laundry.  Her sweet spirit and extrovert personality came straight from her dadda.

Sledding

Haha......still haven't figured out how to layout the pics the way I want.

We took the nuggets sledding.  Since two of the bugs have pretty short legs we opted for the hills at the park by the college instead of the golf course.



It's the Marshall Love Train!  Choo Choo......

Riles on her snowboard.  She bought this little puppy herself.  She's getting pretty good and is a lot of fun to watch.

It snowed really hard while we were there.  It was so beautiful.....I wanted to stay there all day.

Da BOYEEES

                                      My beauty Ri.......ugh she is so gorgeous!

My itty bitty Piglet.  Mmm I could squish her.

The kids also had a snowball fight. Jason tricked Ri into going under a big pine tree.  Then he knocked all of the snow on her.  She was furious.  Mads thought it was the funniest thing and kept trying to get her dad under some tree branches.  Finally she told him she saw some money under a tree and he should come and dig in the snow for it.  Then she shook out the branches on him.  She said next time she will have a better trap laid with a loop of rope that she will snag him with.