He Is Not Faceless

I've tried to come up with words that describe my feelings without appearing to not see there are many sides to each story.  I do want to appear bold however. 

In light of recent events, I want to respond to the climate of contempt, fear, and hatred aimed at the law enforcement of our great country. 

First of all, the Constitution allows us to protect our person and our property.  It also allows us to give authority to a group of individuals that can protect our individual rights as a group.  We set up laws, whether good or bad, that indicate to this group of protectors, what we would like them to enforce for us.  Then, as free agents in this country, we have the right to choose if we want to obey those laws, however, we must respect that deciding to disobey comes with consequences.  After all, we have collectively agreed to those laws (which we can change!). 

Undermining the authority we have freely given to our protectors leads us, those around us, and more importantly our children to believe that there is no such thing as authority.  It leads to fear, hate, contempt, and chaos.  It leads to our peace keepers and protectors to be seen with disdain, hate, and fear.  They are stripped of their authority by media, social networking, etc.  Their lives were already in danger, but the climate now heightened, directly causes more danger to them and the welfare of their families. 

Many of you don't care.  Many of you are willing to be swept away by the tide of sheep following each other without study and investigation of your own.  Many of you want to seem open minded and supportive of causes you don't really understand.

The reason I care is because this is personal to me.  It's personal beyond the fact that I love my country and The Constitution.  It's personal because my life revolves around one single protector that has been made into a faceless militant by the public. 

He is not faceless.  He is not heartless.  He bleeds quite freely when injured.  He cries when happy, or sad, or terrible things happen.  In fact, I can describe each feature in his face.  I am familiar with the beats of his heart.  I know the color of is eyes.  His hands cut the umbilical cords of my babies.  His hands helped build my house.  His hands comb my hair and rub my head when I am worried. He sings off key to his babies.  He lets them sleep next to him when they are afraid. He is patient and kind.  He sees more good in people than I ever will.  He works himself to the bone for his family and for the public. Every night I turn my back to him, because he knows I love to be the little spoon.  I turn my back because he is my safety. I know he will protect me.  I have no fear of him.  He has a face.  He has a heart.  His eyes.........are blue.
#thinkbeforeyousheep

Moving Forward...

                                                                      Baby Josh                                       

                                                                   Big boy Josh

Baby Coco

                                                                    Still baby Coco

                                                                       The Six

I'm waiting for the paralegal to call, holding Coco, helping Josh with his football helmet, pretending early intervention won't care about the 3 loads of laundry in the entry way or the 4 new carseats, or the prizes for trunk or treat, or the school papers from 4 kids, or that I haven't showered or dressed.

As it turned out one more court date spawned more court dates like maggots in a dead cat.  The time was dragging out and our lives were measured in the time between court dates.  The babies days were filled with friends and family, breakfast-lunch-dinner, prayers, singing, watching big brother and sister in sporting events, reading, puzzles, naps and kisses.......so many kisses.  But for the rest of us that knew, there was always an ominous shadow lurking in our corners and creeping out when our minds had time to rest.

Instead of this experience being about having a charitable heart and growing in a Christ like way.....my heart was getting blacker, even blacker than it started out.  I felt like I was rotting from the inside.  My thoughts were consumed with bringing another human being so low that I broke them, if it meant I could protect my little babies.  The longer the time dragged out, with every court date missed like it was nothing more than a delinquent library book, with my time wasted and the babies growing older.........my heart was set on destruction.  Riley ended up in the hospital for 6 days with a GI bleed, and by the time we were sent home with no answers about her health, my spirit broke.  I didn't like myself.  Normally I can tolerate a good bit of myself, the snarky attitude, the unfriendly aire, the inappropriate humor, the charming smile, the devil may care outlook.

It was time to do something good and do contrary to my nature.  I made a photo album for the mama of the boys.  So if I'm being truthful I guess that wasn't %100 pure love of Christ there because I planned to use it to my advantage.......just a little.  I know she really loves the boys and I knew she would love a photo ablum........and I knew that would make her come to court.  I prayed that there would be a way that she and I could talk.  I had a strong feeling that if I protected her, if I loved her, if my help was aimed at her.....

(Also, I want to say that to my knowledge she has always been very respectful and kind.  She has always been very sweet. She is a beautiful girl.  She really is.)

 She texted one evening to ask about the boys. She asked me what the next court date was for and we began a lengthy conversation in which both our hearts changed.  I wanted for her and she wanted for the boys.  We talked about what her options were.  We talked about all of the confusing and painful truths that had to be covered.

Court arrived, their mama arrived, she agreed to relinquishment.  She asked if I would go with her to see the judge.  We went.  It was terrifying.  My heart broke for her.  I don't know how she did it.  I don't think I could.  She was brave, and strong, and little, and alone, and crying.  We sat in the hall away from the crowd of other parents with open DCFS cases, the caseworkers, the lawyers.  What can you do to comfort someome in so much pain? She curled up into a ball on a bench.  I was afraid to speak.  I pulled her into my lap like she was Joshy when he falls.  I rocked her and kissed her and smoothed her hair.  Is that weird?  We talked about funny baby things our boys do.  I told her she was a good mom. I wasn't lying to her.

That mama will have an abundance of blessings.  I hope she feels some in this life.  I know she will throughout eternity.  Her selfless act was her crowning act of motherhood. If you have a moment, keep her in your prayers.  Pray for her comfort and peace.  Pray for her happiness and success. 

Two little babies played football and ate graham crackers and took naps.  They played with friends and Max.  They didn't know that a switch was thrown on their life path and nothing will ever be the same again.  They didn't know their two mamas sat crying in a ball of snot and tears.

Adoption, blessings and the sealing are happy things to look forward to.  Eternity just opened up......

Triage

I have been far too busy to spend time writing, reading, crafting, cleaning, or even showering.  So I must triage my documenting.  My most serious case at the moment is Coco and Zossy.

Coco, Puff, Coco Puff, Fat Basket  

Zossy and Jack

After years of talking about adoption or becoming a foster family, the kids finally bullied us into taking action.  That's right.  I'm blaming the kids.  We decided we probably couldn't afford adoption and we didn't really look into it seriously.  For a few years we have had, 'consider fostering' on our family list of things to do for the year.  My baren body couldn't take the begging for a baby any more and Max was finally old enough so we decided quite blindly to jump in. 

Officer Handsome and I tried to get into a foster care class and become in the early fall of 2011.  Because of his 37 jobs and some things going on with the kiddos, we missed out and couldn't do the 40 hours required.  Not long after, a family in our ward showed up with two of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen.  I'm totally crying about it right now!  As soon as I laid eyes on Zoss (Josh) I was overwhelmed with the feeling that he should be mine.  At first I  really thought that it was jealousy and I kicked myself for not getting licensed.

Near Christmas we again had the opportunity to get into the classes we needed.  Even though our schedules were horrific, Jason said it was time to just get it done.  We finished the classes in 2 weeks and had our home inspected for that part of licensing.  Then our license never came.  It became months and I started to forget.  Then on a whim I called our licenser and asked what had ever happened.  He assured me he would send a new paper in the mail.  The next Sunday, I watched Josh during nursery singing time.  I wanted to snatch him up and kiss him but he was pretty shy and he would just stare at me with huge gorgeous eyes.  I sat down and acted like a total lunatic sining really loud and dancing around.  I'm sure he was totally charmed......most people would be.  Then I moved away and asked one of my counselors that knew the foster family better than I did, what was going on with the boys.  I had the feeling again that they should be in my house, but I had heard the foster mom say that she planned on adopting.  My counselor said she felt like maybe it wasn't going to be a permanent situation but didn't really have a reason to believe that.

During the following week, our license came in the mail.  The boys and I were out grocery shopping, along with my one and a half year old nephew that I was watching full time.  When we came out of the store, I saw that I had a voicemail on my cell phone.  I loaded the groceries and then sat in the car to listen.  A supervisor from DCFS called to welcome us to fostercare and ask if we had questions.  She changed her tune right away and then said she had a placement!  Two boys under the age of two, a toddler and an infant.  She asked me to call her back.  I was freaking out in my mind, knowing that I already knew who the boys were.........and a little surprised to realize that at some point we had agreed to license our home for 2 kids.   I returned the call and like a nut talked right over the top of the caseworker and asked her if the boys were already placed.  She said they were, and asked if I knew them.   I said that I had SEEN them, but didn't really know much beyond that.  And truthfully I had never actually seen the baby.  She then said that she felt like there was a 70% chance that they would reunify with their mom.

Officer Handsome and I talked about it and prayed about it and then I cleared out my most beloved library and got it ready for babies.  Joshua and Colter transitioned to us the week before Easter and spent their first full night on Easter Eve.  Truthfully it was a nightmare at first.  Josh really only liked the kids.  His night terrors were agony on our sleep.  Coco seemed sweet and easy for the first few days but quickly turned into a raging angry baby that cried..........no, no........SCREAMED nonstop, day and night.  I have to give a lot of credit to our kids.  Without Jack home during the day and Riley here in the evenings, I would have been sunk.  The babies bonded to them right away.  Joshy fell in love pretty quickly with his dad and they have been tight ever since.  It didn't take long for Josh to call us Momma and Daddy, but he didn't really know we had other names. 

By the time the first court date rolled around, one month after they were placed with us, things had turned sour for their mom.  The state asked for the boys not to reunify with her.  We had to decide if we could keep them.  Technically, it was something we had already sort of agreed to since we were fostering infants, but you can never rehash emotional issues enough. (Side note:  Their previous family totally adored them and did NOTHING to have them removed, but after they prayed and I'm sure fasted, they had various experiences of revelation, that the boys were not supposed to be adopted by them.  They fought this feeling for months and asked Heavenly Father more than once because they did not want it to be true.  We will ALWAYS be so grateful that they were able to care for our babies until we were ready!  Once the state found out that the family would not be adopting, they whisked the boys away.)   We knew we were falling in love, but it had only been one month.  Right before our court date, their mom talked about how she was sure they were coming home.  I had a panic attack right there in the parking lot of DCFS.  That's when I knew that I was totally emotionally invested past the point where I could spare myself tremendous pain.  If it was meant for them to go home I knew Heavenly Father would keep them safe and I would know that was the plan for their lives.  I wanted to be able to let them go gracefully, but I knew it would hurt.   The judge decided to do a full hearing and have the mom's lawyer put forth evidence supporting her.  We wouldn't go to trial for 6 more weeks.  Long........slow........agony.

After six weeks, lots of prayers on behalf of our family and our baby boys, the judge ruled that they boys would remain in custody of the state and he terminated the reunification plan.  We now have to go back in a month and a half to set another date to terminate parental rights.  We are feeling pretty good that the boys have found their forever family.  



A Little Vomit Nerver Hurt Anybody

The State Capitol......not exactly Kangaroo Zoo, but since I only care about getting these kids some learnin', we........with some delay, decided to check out our state government.

I'm sure most people are 'normal' and the thought of hurtling through construction at 85 miles an hour, for 2 hours, with 6 kids....some of whom are prone to vomit, others to have anxiety, and others that coax you to pass all of the semi's, well it may not bother you.  I'm not that person.  I stopped my fitful sleep at 4:00 am that morning and gave in to the gut wrenching dread.  I don't mind the trip really, I just don't like being the one in charge.  I like being the one that tells the one in charge what to do, but bears no responsibility.



I like being with the kids and taking them to new places, even though I was skeptical that they would enjoy this field trip.  After a few puke stops, a stop to use the phone, and getting lost in construction, we met the lovely little partially deaf woman that agreed to give us a tour.  When guide, that was only as tall as our smallest children, asked what school we were from....I was prompted to say an exclusive private school. Very Exclusive.  I shouldn't be ashamed of homeschool, but I don't want her to mentally connect me to polygamy or the kind of person that is hoarding food and arms in preparation for dooms day.  Although I am the latter....it's best to play it cool.  Plus, she soon proved to know nothing about Utah history and she admitted to being a terribly liberal Liberal.  It was safer not to tell her much.

We were very professionally lead through some of the good parts of the Capitol.  On one level there were some busts of what I assume were supposed to be historically important people, but they had no plaques to describe their relevance.  We were shown the bust of a woman, whom our tour guide assured us was the first President of the Relief Society....however it was not Emma.  Emmaline B.  Wells as it turns out was a journalist and the 5th President of the R.S.  Luckily the kids were already crying for food and keeping their eyes peeled for the Secret Service, and paid very little attention.  This was helpful in assuring me that they would not be lead astray with misinformation, nor would they learn anything.  

Above is one of their favorite rooms....The Gold Room, where the Gov. entertains special people.  This and the newly installed Samsung flat screens everywhere lead me to rest easy knowing that my money is going to good use....who needs new Kevlar when we need new plum brocade so desperately.  We also went to the House of Representatives and saw the desk where the uncle of two of our boys parties when in session.  We visited the Senate and saw their staff being trained.  We also hit the Supreme Court, which is not used in this building any longer.

After standing on the opaque floor of the Rotunda and taking pictures of the shadows of our feet, the kids were near tears from hunger.  Our guide left us after saying that we were the best group she had ever had.  Even though her street cred was suspect with me, I chose to believe her on this point.  She also said that myself and my partner Kelly were fantastically amazing teachers.  Again we knew this to be true.  It was time to beat a path out of there and get some chicken!

2011 In A Nutshell

                                             The nuggets on Christmas morning 2011

                                               Riley and her best buddy from the 'hood'

Riley:  This year my sweet, beautiful, and poised Riles left 5th grade and began 6th.  She moved up to Majors in Little League baseball and again chose to play in a dominantly male league rather than with the girls.  She reads a lot and she and I have been able to read some of the same books and talk about them which has been fun.  As always she is a big help at home and is a great sister to the other kids.  She has learned to do laundry (which she could have done before if I hadn't been so uptight about my laundering ways).  She's had a good time bike riding and running around the neighborhood with the other girls on the street.  She likes to cook and bake.  Finally she turned 12 and will be entering Young Womens.  Since her birthday is so close to the end of the year she had to stick it out in Primary with me.  She has shown a lot of maturity and sensitivity.  She has also taken up playing the clarinet and has had one concert.  Ri continues to play the piano and sounds wonderful.  Despite her efforts I have still not learned to play the bottom hand:(  Right now she is back in Jr.  Jazz basketball and has been kicking it out on the court.

                Jack at the School of Awesomeness with his school mates and a cow eyeball


Jack:  Oh my Jackie Boy.  He has come a long way this year.  He recently had his first unschool anniversary!!! If he were in The School From Hell he would be in 4th grade.  He has begun reading a lot.  He enjoyed it before but found large books daunting....as he was finding most things. He just passed off 5th grade math before the Christmas break and should be overtaking Riley in 6th grade in the near future.    Jack has finally become the boy that I knew was hiding under all of the sadness and anxiety.  Jack earned his Wolf in Cub Scouts and should be earning his Bear in the next few weeks.  He also played flag football, consistently attends scouts, gives talks in Primary, leads opening exercises at co-op, had two large Primary Program parts, and talks to people.  All of those things are things he never would have done a year ago.  This year Jack has started not just homeschool but also co-op (The School of Awesomeness) with some other families in the area. He has become very good friends with the kids....especially the boys and has the run of the neighborhood with them.  They ride bikes, have survival days down in the washes with litters of foxes, do farm chores, and play lots and lots of football!  His anxiety is managed and he is happy and funny!  He has also shown a very compassionate side and is a great brother and also really good with any younger children that come through our home.

Piglet just before Thumbelina

Mads:  My little talented beauty.  Mads finished kindergarten in a blaze of glory and is well into first grade.  She loves the friends she has and is very kind and generous, going out of her way to make others feel welcome.  She has a very best friend, Avs, and they believe they are twins from different parents.  First grade has been a bit of a challenge....as in so far, it's not a challenge.  Madison would prefer to be homeshcooled.  I regret not taking Jack out sooner so I am very conflicted about what to do with Mads.  She doesn't need homeschool in all of the same ways Jack does, but either way she will be successful.  This was Mads first year in Little League baseball and according to her was her last.  There was not enough action to keep her entertained.  Mads also took part in the local children's theater when they put on the play Thumbelina.  Although her part was small...just like her...she did a fantastic job as a lady bug and as a fairy warrior.  If she agrees to do any more theater, she wants larger roles:)  Mads loves, loves to read and has carried a copy of Harry Potter with her since she was a toddler.  She has spread her wings to other novels, loves to write stories (which are always hilarious), and to draw pictures.  She usually also carries a sketch pad or notebook everywhere.  During the summer she made a large portfolio of drawings which she sold to neighbors for college tuition.  She also plays the piano, but as I am too cheap, she has never had an actual lesson.

                                  Max sporting his new maturity at the ward Christmas party

Max:  My charming little beast.  His heart is so soft that he can't stand it if I raise my voice.....but he can beat the **** out of anyone that crosses him.  Max has a witty laugh and devilish grin.  He is very mischievious.  Every morning when he wakes up he wants 3 things......chocolate milk, a cuddle, and to challenge me at Mario Cart Wii.  He has worked his way through many preschool workbooks at my request and his disdain.  He cares not for anything educational, very much unlike his siblings.  He loves to cut up anything scissors will go through, look at books, be read to, color, and make pictures that he then tapes together as a gift for me.  Max is wild for outdoors and sports.  He would like to spend everyday with Coppa doing farm things.  Max has successfully avoided preschool because I cannot let my baby go.  He is great at doing chores....laundry and dishes, but generally likes to use the excuse that he just can't do anything so that everyone else in the house will come to his rescue and he can sit on the couch with a cup of chocolate milk and watch us take care of everything.  Max has been the witness to many football, baseball, and basketball games this year.  He can't wait until he is the one playing them.  His most notorious accomplishment this year.....find some way to make you say 'what?' so he can say..."'YOU IT!"

             Officer Handsome in a dunk tank to raise money for the Carbon High Track Team

Jason:  Officer Handsome has accomplished so many things that I will never remember them all.  He spent a week in Montreal, Canada at a Drug Recognition Expert conference.  He learned a lot about social issues outside of Utah.  He continues to work 36 hour days as he travels from SLC to Blanding.  He makes court appearances, trains new and seasoned officers, instructs firearms, tends bar, teaches concealed weapons classes, teaches at the University, and plays bishop/nanny at the University where he works part time on their police department.  In church he serves as a Gospel Doctrine instructor, which I hear he is good at, but have never born witness to. He was even asked to speak at the Stake Festival of Choirs.  As usual......everyone loved him.  Among other accomplishments this year, he has finally taken me on a honeymoon, put in sod on nearly an acre, and ripped out the master bathroom shower.  One of his favorite guns was treated to a new sweater this Christmas....to the rapture of both he and the gun.  He continues to cater to my every whim, making him indespensable.

Me and my sister wives at a Halloween party.  We were so convincing that the people who didn't know us thought we really were sister wives.  The men folk happened to be out of town or hunting and we showed up with about 14 kids.

Me:  Despite the mounting evidence that suggests I spend a grave amount of time with my feet up and a crystal dish of bon bons at my side.......I sometimes find it necessary to move about.  Having botched my first opportunity at Primary President, it has been presented again.  God has showered me with the blessing of a Presidency that I adore.  Three other amazing women keep me on track, stop me from being so hard hearted, and have become dear friends.  With Master Jack at home all day......every day.....I have again become a teacher.  Jack and I also helped form a co-op, the previously mentioned School of Awesomeness.  I spend some time each month with the fantabulous kids in our little private shcool being their science teacher.  I strive to either scare the pants off of them or make them love me. Also this year, I have spent a lot of time on introspection and began journaling a lot, thinking a lot, praying a lot, learning a lot, making lots of mistakes, being thankful for them and thankful for the chance to fix them. As usual I continue to disregard responsibility for the greater pleasure of reading.  I have done some yard saling, furniture re-inventing, crafting, interior decorating, craft fairing.  I went on an amazing! out of the country! honeymoon/15th anniversary cruise.  Since the day I returned to the States I have wanted to leave again......to the place where there are 5 course meals served hot, snacks inbetween, a pitch black stateroom, a swaying ship, and someone that folds and restores my lingerie every time I leave my room.  I also gave up drinking pop.  I have not yet passes a day in which I do not crave it. 

The nuggets at BYU after the art exhibit.  They are standing infront of an exhibit of a zillion stacked books!!

Everyone: This year we hiked Mt. Timp, spent some time in a condo in Park City, visited  a waterpark frequently, went to the BYU museum to see a painting exhibit, watched a universe movie on the dome of the Planetarium, watched many many many sporting events, spent the summer at the pool, spent a lot of time with friends, graduated from Utah Foster Care classes, sent off people we love dearly to live in Florida, got a HUGE dog, read lots of books, saw lots of movies, snuggled, played, gardened, sang, danced, and made lots of goals for 2012.

What Kind Of Mother Are You?

Jack played football this year.  It's the first activity he actually asked for on his own.  He's been loving it.  If I were the kind of mother that I am supposed to be.......there would be pictures to substantiate my claim.  Jack was terribly adorable.  Everytime he made a touch down he would hang his head and pretend it was nothing instead of chest bump and high five.

A few weeks ago The School of Awesomeness (Jack's co-op) had Red Ribbon Week.  Of course Officer Handsome was our guest speaker.  We tried the old....scare em straight strategy.  Only one child confessed to nightmares after, and one refused to participate completely.   The children were whisked off to the land of drug abuse by their fearless leader, where they learned the dangers of meth abuse through pictorial proof provided by a series of mug shots.  Meth makes you look old, dirty and you get lots of red sores!  The treachery of huffing, shown here....

And to really drive it home, the kids wore 'beer goggles', which skew your vision and trick your mind.  It illustrated how your reaction time and balance are changed with alcohol use.

Riley is continuing on with her piano.  She has also been crafting like mad with Duct Tape.  It's been pretty fun.

Mads is in the children's theater play of 'Thumbelina'.  She seems excited.  She's really loved school but finds it a little boring.....which she told her teacher.  The teacher then sent home loads of algebra for her to do HERE.

Max remains shaggy and handsome.  He has no need of preschool because he finds it useless.  He will never know his numbers or letters.  He will grow up to be a wrestler or football player with a small farm on the side and a lovely wife that will do all of his reading for him.

Death Shudder

 Anyone that is left with nothing better to do and is reading this blog......it just had a little death shudder.  Life has been busy and I can't bring myself to log on to my blog.  What with having to put in my password and all, it's quite a chore.  Here are some things that have occurred over the summer.  Mostly this is for my own journaling.  If you happen to read.......please do enjoy.

Above is Jason running the Lunatic Triathalon earlier in the summer.  This is a fun event that happens in our area and takes place at night.  This kids made posters and cheered their dad on.  He had a really great time of 1 hour 8 minutes.....a really great time considering he didn't prepare by doing anything.  Some people have all the luck with their bodies!

 Another fun time was when Jason took the nuggies fishing and hooked his own hand on the way out of the truck.  He stuck it out of course and finished fishing with them before coming home and heading to the ER.  It took quite a bit to numb the old finger.  Then they cut the hook, unwrapped the fly, and pulled the hook out forward.  He didn't even bleed.  They put on a band aid to make themselves feel proficient.  It was a busy night in the ER but since Jason wasn't high on meth we were triaged to the front of the line.

 Piglet finally convinced me to let her cut Rasta hair off.  It was long and gorgeous, but awful to care for!  She donated (or will when I get an envelope) to Locks of Love.

We had a fun time going to Seven Peaks water park, staying in a condo in Park City, going to baseball games, camping, and hiking Timpanogis. Here we are high above the valley.

Mads let me do a photo shoot of her with her hair!   She is so adorable.  This picture should have been with the short hair one........but alas I am not patient enough to go back and put it in the right place.

School just started.  Here are Ri and Mads on the firtst day.  Ri is in 6th.  Mads is in 1st.  They seem to be enjoying it.

This is Jack's first day of co-op.  We are co-opping with 3 other families.  The moms are awesome and the kids are great too.  Jack has really opened up since starting homeschool.  Many people have commented that he is so much happier and approachable.  He is willing to do activities and socialize, which he was not willing to do before.  He will be starting football in a week and seems excited.  He loves school!  What a blessing.